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2017: Bridge-jumping an official sport, Mayor turns to singing career

Opinion Piece

It is time for the annual round of predictions for the coming year that is so popular with New Zealand and world media, especially in the silly season. Not to be outdone, The Gisborne Herald is happy to make its light-hearted contribution to the soothsayer’s stakes.

Mayor Meng Foon will make a shock John Key-like announcement that instead of seeking a record-equalling seventh term he is leaving local body politics to follow his dream of a singing career.

Bridge-jumping will become a recognised sport in Gisborne with the main award being for the best bomb, to be presented by a councillor who has made the jump. There are two contenders.

Gisborne District Council will adopt the wetlands option to achieve the next treatment level for its wastewater, creating a giant wildlife area rivalling Florida’s Everglades as a tourism attraction. The new office building will come in on time and under cost. Readers — choose which is the most likely.

Putting in two certainties to improve our success rate, the All Blacks will win the coming series against the Lions 3-0 and numerous Gisborne sports people will rack up national and international titles.

The coming election will see the final triumph of Winston Peters as a voting deadlock leaves him kingmaker. Instead of some minor Cabinet post, this time he will demand Bill English’s job. In the unlikely event that he fails, Steve Hansen will be drafted into the PM role with Wayne Smith as his assistant.

That election will also see Craig Bauld elected to Parliament by whichever party will have him. Dropped from the District Council and continuing to play bad golf, “Bauldie” is looking for a new role.

The Donald will decide to stay in Trump Towers and rent out the White House to his bestie Vladimir Putin. Brian Tamaki will decide that Bishop is not a sufficiently-elevated ranking for a man of his stature, mulling a change to Grand Mufti or even Pope.

The rest of us will eat less, drink less, and be kind to each other. Yeah right.